Bus characters, who are they you ask? They are those special characters that when they step on the bus, you glance over at the empty seat next to you and start wishing, "PLEASE do not come sit next to me!!!!"
Everyone knows them, everyone has seen them. I just wanted to dedicate a post to some of my favorite, or should I say least favorite, transit characters. Most likely you have sat next to one, two, or all of them. Here are my top 5 along with a Tolerance Factor from 1-10, 1 being not too bad, can stand it for one bus ride and 10 being, DING, get me the hell off this bus now!!!
5. Compact Queen - This is the chick that gets on the bus with four bags, one for work, one for the gym, her purse, and one for straight makeup! The instant she sits down, her four bags engulf you. Two are on your lap, one is against your face, and the makeup bag is open and ready for business. First comes the foundation, then the mascara, a little blush, a little eye liner, yada, yada. The chick is a full blown traveling MAC counter and it frightens you how good she is at putting on her makeup on a bumpy bus going 50 down the highway! By the time you get downtown, she's just finishing and looks like a completely different person than the one that initially sat down next to you. SCARY!
Tolerance Factor = 2, as long as she doesn't start plucking her eyebrows right there, or drops an item and spends the next 8 minutes trying to reach down to find it, it's bearable for the commute. Stay on!
4. What's in the Bag Man - Everyone is dumbfounded when this guy gets on the bus. He looks so normal, usually jeans, t-shirt, maybe a hat, but the dude smells like absolute garbage. Sure, you expect a bum to smell like that, but not this guy. What is it??!?! Then you notice his bag. It could be a backpack, it could be a messenger bag, heck it could be a fanny pack. Doesn't matter, all that matters is that his bag looks and smells like he stopped at a port-a-potty on the way to the bus stop and decided to do a little dip and go with his bag. Come on man, there is no reason to have a bag that smells that bad. Sure you had some good times with this bag by your side, but it's time to let go and buy a new bag!
Tolerance Factor = 8, the smell is unbearable at times and you find yourself gagging as the bag rubs against your leg. You feel like you might pass out, but it's raining and you're still 8 blocks from your destination. Stay on!
3. Little Miss Chap Chap - She is barking on her cell phone and drops it while trying to swipe her bus pass. Doesn't faze her though, picks it right back up and gets back to the nitty gritty, talking about nothing with another Chap Chap on the other end. She is so engaged in her conversation about nothing that she blasts you with her backpack as she sits down. Then the real pain comes, having to listen to her annoying ass voice for the next 25 minutes! "Like, oh my gosh, David is such a jerk, so I went out last night and drank 8 shots of Vodka and hooked up with this random at the bar, then ended up throwing up all over the bathroom." "I don't know, what do you want to do? I don't care, what do you want to do?" Dammit, you want to smack the phone out of her hand but you refrain. You feel like you are getting dumber by listening to her talk.
Tolerance Factor = 6, the conversation she is having is mind-numbing, and her voice sounds like she trapped a pack of hyenas in her esophagus, but you can get through by cranking your iPod up just a bit louder. Stay on!
2. Crackhead Clarence - From the minute this guy sits down next to you, he is non-stop. Scratching his arms, sniffling, scratching his neck, bobbing back and forth. The dude can't sit still cause he needs another fix and he needs it bad! Crack, Meth, Speed ball, hell, maybe he's a warrior and does them all at once. Who knows, all that is obvious is that he needs it ASAP! He starts to make funny noises and at first you think he might be trying to communicate with you. But then you notice that the guy is about 6 feet tall and weighs no more than 125 pounds soaking wet! He's cold man! He's got no meat and he needs another treat! He's looking for the iceman and hopefully this bus will bring him to his icy destination! He has no awareness of your personal space either as he continues to bob back and forth, sometimes bumping up against you. He's harmless though....unless you are holding some crack in your work bag, then WATCH OUT!
Tolerance Factor = 5, he sways back and forth and constantly mumbles, turning to you every 8 minutes asking, "hey man, you got a couple dollars to spare?" You feel for him, he needs help, but money for drugs, you ain't got nothing for him. Your almost to your stop and he's in his own world. Stay on!
1. Bum Pack - Bum Pack is seen on every bus in every city. Dude rolls up with a couple garbage bags in hand and smells like he went swimming in a pool filled with Gin and Whiskey. He sits down next to you and anything is game on from then on.
True Story #1 - On my way to work, Bum Pack gets on, entire bus is pretty much empty. For some reason, homie feels the need to sit down next to this girl on the other side of the aisle from me. About 3 minutes after he sits down, he passes out and is pretty much hanging on the girl's shoulder. The girl looks repulsed, but does nothing, just sits there. About 10 minutes later, she makes a startling noise, I look over and Bum Pack is peeing himself as he's passed out. Man, it sucked, girl got some Bum Pack pee on her and the bus driver had to shut the bus down and tell everybody to get off, saying a "bio-hazard clean up crew" was coming to sanitize the bus. Needless to say, I walked the rest of the way to work.
True Story #2 - On my way to work again, another Bum Pack and just my luck, Bum Pack decides he wants to sit next to me. He smelled terrible, and I felt like I was getting drunk from the fumes coming off his clothes. But I'm strong, I bear it through, all the way to work. I ding the bell and turn towards the Bum Pack, politely saying, "excuse me sir, this is my stop." He turns away to let me out and I notice the entire left side of his body is covered in what looks and smells to be puke!!!!! Argh! WHAT THE HELL, how did I not notice that when he got on??!? Worst part, oh yes, there was puke on my clothes from him sitting next to me. I spent the first 20 minutes of the day in the bathroom doing laundry in the sink to get that nasty nast out!
Tolerance Factor = 10, Bum Pack can seriously bring the stench pain and can ruin a day just like that with a little bodily fluid. When Bum Pack gets on don't risk it, there's always another bus, ding that bell and get the f%$k off the bus!
